They seem the same, but they can be distinct paths…
Route 1: Poly
This is about multiple relationships, but it is seen as kinky because it is distinguished as being unconventional. It’s about many loves, and if we continue this same walking metaphor, the ground below us is a mix of stones and pebbles, of little likes and flirtations, and things that end up going nowhere, the dead ends and the unmaintained trails. The variations are so many that it’s hard to even quantify. (Is DADT a road where there are no signs?) Remember that polyamory can exist without kink or queerness, but it also is one of the ways that breaking the mold of heteronormative, monogamy-default thinking leads to more open-mindedness.
Even though my personal process has involved unbelievably deep love, infatuation, heartbreak, disappointment, betrayal, confusion, anger — it also brings me a great deal of joy and freedom. Many of the most difficult parts of those feelings for me have been my own exploration of self, of what I want when I now have multiple options. What works for me, what identity do I want to see reflected in my lover’s eyes, and what surprises are there when I’m no longer searching for a “mate” as defined by much of my childhood messaging?
In contrast to those deep and challenging feelings, this road is also filled with tiny, frequent annoyances. There’s a continual pissed-off-ness about how most people from dating apps can only keep up a conversation for two or three days and it’s rarely anything substantial. How you can get overly excited about someone from a well-written profile and 12 hours of witty messaging banter …only to have it evaporate into nothing. There is being stood up multiple times in the same week, and being ghosted at the last minute. The daily up and down investigation combatting the “don’t know what I’m doing here” straights, soulmate-seeking-liars and single dudes are fine with polyamory as long as it’s defined as either them dating lots of women or women never expecting anything from them — just getting to a shared vocabulary in polyamory can be challenging.
