As a person who engages in facilitating sexuality education for adults and lives amidst the kink community, I finally memorized the five parts of consent. (It’s a little bit like that scene in Gangs of New York, the Five Points! The fingers fold in to make a fist. It’s more powerful that way.) Our ENTIRE culture should be built around these concepts, and no one should want anything that someone else hasn’t consented to.
Freely given
Reversible
Informed
Enthusiastic
Specific
Everyone should know these, and how to negotiate and obtain consent, but frequently we are not on the same page. We have assumptions, we have delusions, we have communication problems.
Power Imbalances
Here’s why we don’t:
- Someone has something to gain — it’s more advantageous to them to plunge ahead.
- It’s easier in the moment to assume that it’s fine.
- It’s likely that the person whose consent is violated may not realize it or make a fuss right then, so the consequences are…