How much should you take other people’s opinions into consideration? How do you know when it’s nervous excitement versus too much pressure?
I’ve got real strong feelings about “taking one for the team” a la swinger culture…and I hate it, I’m against it and I really want to pick my own partners. But there is this interesting intersection between pressure to “play nice” (literally) and referrals from other poly people.
My personal rule is to take other people’s opinions about someone into consideration, but to judge for myself. This is sound policy as a person, a journalist and a polyamorous dater. However…
I have a great group of female friends who have referred me to some of their former partners. There are caveats, of course, like “he has an amazing cock, but he’s terrible at communicating regularly” or “there are some avoidant tendencies and he’s hung up on his ex but really a good guy who knows how to please women.” I love this, but it may be the same concept — the primacy of my own experience versus someone else’s.
