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Marriage is not ONE thing.
Why do people say “but …you’re married?”
Your marriage is not one thing…when it starts, a few years in, a few decades in, it is not the same.
It evolves, it changes, the people in it change, the circumstances of their lives and their life together change.
They frequently start out young, together and grow into fully-formed humans, with attitudes and tastes they didn’t have when they started. They may start out as more experienced people, knowing the compromises involved and with different expectations.
Their marriage is not one thing….they go through losses together, and sometimes they blame each other and sometimes they stick together. They wonder if they made the wrong choice. Sometimes they stray. Sometimes they leave. Sometimes they drift back together.
Marriage is not one thing….your marriage is not my marriage.
The two of you do it your way, with make-up sex and divisions of labor that involve leaf blowers and mother-in-law-present buying — the way you agree to do it, or the way you fall into doing it. We do external / internal divisions of labor and I always grill and he always clips the kids’ nails. You go to everything together, we go to very few joint events. Those two fight in public and everyone wonders why they are still together, while those other two appear completely placid but their neighbors hear them screaming at each other late at night. One day, he packs up the car and leaves and everyone is mystified. Because the truth is, only the people IN it know what’s happening, and sometimes, sadly, not even then. They may see things their own way no matter what their partner says or does.
Marriage is not one thing over time and space.
People in other countries marry later, two independent souls making it work. People in other countries marry earlier, arranged or cajoled by family ties into a “good match.” The country marriage engrossed with running the farm and collapsing into bed is not the city marriage where you are roommates who have sex at the rare times you are both in the same bed and have the energy for it.
Marriage is desirable for some, necessary for others. It is done slowly or quickly, it is done repeatedly and sometimes with…
