Keep Raising the Bar…Watch for the Warning Signs

North Star
8 min readMar 27, 2022


It’s smart, but hard to do.

Let me preface this soapbox speech and tales from the dating world with a caveat: I mean raising YOUR bar, specifically, which can look however you wish.

When I started dating again (polyamorously this time, which is significantly different but still has a lot in common with dating while single), I approached it methodically and thoughtfully.

From the very first, I wanted to know where we were compatible, and have multiple conversations about the parameters. We had several dinner/drinks and many text conversations. It’s where I premiered a website where both people could click things they wanted to do sexually ( and got some interesting new things to consider from my partner.

I Need Groceries More than I Want You

But even with that preparation, a few things I didn’t expect happened. First, we had a couple of miscommunications where I was there to see him and he went grocery shopping instead, or jogging. Or left me in his apartment alone to watch TV while he worked, or sent me out for a joint event while he stayed in.(Besides the onset of an unprecedented global pandemic, and both of us working in health care…which created unexpected schedule changes that made getting together challenging.) I began getting more mixed signals from him, mainly in the vein of, “I’m busy right now.” Fair, right?

But one of the gifts of polyamory is that my husband and later my boyfriend both said…”this isn’t how you deserve to be treated.” It wasn’t just the pandemic, because it started before that, and it was some indirect, passive but strange behavior. I tried to offer grace and understanding but even accounting for household chores and self-care, it was still a way I didn’t want to be treated. Love that guy but a key lesson was learned: communication is essential, and actions speak loudly.

I’m Not as Healthy as I’m Leading You to Believe

Relationship lessons can lead to an overcorrection sometimes. My next relationship was founded on intense interest and wonderful, frequent communication. He was available and game to see me. We had so much intense, kinky fun and I really got to see…



North Star

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