Envious vs Jealous: Why the Word Matters

One of the most important factors in polyamory is managing jealousy and you’ll get all kinds of different advice on this. I just want to point out is how important it is to define envy as well. Sometimes in conversation I’ll be pedantic about it, but I think words matters so…

• Envy: wanting what you don’t have, someone else’s advantages, resentment about what someone else has. This about LACK.
• Jealousy: feeling like you are losing something, fear of rivals, wanting to protect what you have. This is about LOSS.

It may be a way of managing jealousy to figure out which is the real feeling. These are frequently confused, and it’s good to dig down to what is the true source.

I’m learning a different way of navigating my feelings. It honestly takes more effort to think it through. I’ll hit a hurdle and need to pause…like this:

Feelings Arrive

“Oh, what is happening? Why am I feeling like this?”

{identify feelings of longing}

“I wish I was there. I wanted to do that. Why didn’t I get included?”

That’s envy. My options are to ask to be included next time or find a way to do it for myself.

There may be a few situations where you can’t actually get this for yourself (I wish I was as tall as he is, I wish that was my family, I am envious of these Olympic athletes, I wish I was 25 again….) but mostly, there is wisdom there if you can figure it out. You can change your hair color, your career, your social network. You can change your attitude, your geography, your house, car and hobbies. See if you can follow your envy for more information.

Feelings Arrive

“Oh, what is happening? What is this?”

{identify feelings of fear}

Then I track it back…when did this start?

Seems like it’s…unsteadiness about what’s happening next.

Seems like it’s…someone new entering the scene. That might mean change.

“What if I get less time? I feel like I’m already not getting enough time.”

That idea freaks me out.

Oh. There it is. It is jealousy about time and attention.

There is also a tracking of your own insecurities — are you feeling special? good enough? content? insecure about your appearance? going through a rough time? burnt out? revisiting some trauma?

Just figuring out what it is actually helps me…but I can also ask for what I need. I have options. And then I can get better about getting there faster next time. Ownership of your issues may be one of the most important skills in polyamory. The “track back” helps, and so does knowing that I need to spend time inside myself before I talk to my partners. This is what I now call The Poly Pause.